I Want You . . . Show Me the Way.

While we were in Sorrento, we went to see both Pompeii and her ugly, unkempt sister, Herculeneum.  They are some of the largest and most complete ancient ruins in Italy.  Pompeii is much larger than I had expected.  It really is quite a vast city and to see it all would take you weeks.  I'd like to have had a guided tour, but there were only two options: recorded tours, which always require that you go at things in a certain order (That's too German, even for me.), and live, bilingual, state-certified, site guides, all of whom know way too much about way too many things and cost a lot of money. 

Also, they chatter.  They have a tour all made up in their heads and think they know exactly what you need to know because it's important and fascinating to them.

"The building on your right, which is estimated to have been built in 326BC . . .

(Wow, I would've thought more like 318 - 320.)

. . . was, and I suppose continues to be, in the sense of all objects continuing to be what they have been . . .

(An intellectual whoopee cushion, if you will.  This guy's killin' me.)

. . .  a cistern, which held 1.2 metric tons of water, enough to serve a family of four, average-sized Romans, with middle class wardrobe, moderately good hygiene, and a high fiber diet, for 2.15 months during the summer."

(Could we just move along here?)

If I hire a tour guide, I want him or her to walk around with me, having pleasant conversation, and responding to things that I  say, perhaps confirming some of my simplistic observations,

"This, I'm guessing, is the amphitheatre."  

"Yes, in fact when . . . " 

"A simple nod will do."

responding to all my questions,

"Hey, what's this goofy-looking thing here?" or

"Tell me what it would be like if all three holes in the vomitorium were 'occupado' and a fourth guy came in, really needing to unload?"

 "Did the citizens of Popeii have formal dances?"

and joyfully and quickly acting on all my suggestions like:

"Speed it up,"

"Let's get out of here," and

"Show me where the erotic murals are."

***There is a sad side-note here:  90% of the erotic frescoes which once adorned the walls of the City of Pompeii have been moved to the Archaeological Museum in Naples, which we were unable to visit.  We'll have to see them on another trip, when we'll be much older and they will seem even less erotic. Ah, the cruelty of nature!

We hired only one guide during the whole trip.  His name was Giovane.  He spoke English with an accent that was almost too Italian.  He was thin, dark, good-looking, with a sleazy kind of Fabio smile. While he responded politely to all my questions, he spoke only to Patti.

"What woulda Signora likea to see nexta?"

"Woulda Signora likea to get a view froma the highesta point ina the city?

"Woulda Signora likea to makea the beasta witha two backs . . . I mean, have a picturea takena in thisa place?

Giovane couldn't take a picture worth crap.  Patti says he was perfect.